Behind Every Great Invention Stands a Pissed Off Person
Since the dawn of Homo erectus making Homo erectus jokes, man has been driven to do incredibly great and spectacular things. We have innovations such as the wheel, endless ways to start a fire, numerous modes of transportation on land, sea, and sky, we even have a jacuzzi for you to soak your nuts if you have some. Presumably the BoxTub is still in trials. Sorry ladies.
All of these great innovations of man share a common origin story though. They were all bred by a person in a fit of pure, unadulterated rage. We’re talking step on a Lego at 3am while dropping your bowl of Halo almost ice cream (because it’s the only kind allowed in the house) rage. These minor inconveniences that can trigger an emotional outpour more than any death in the family ever could are what drive humans to greatness. They are the muse to the otherwise content person that drives them to better humanity.
However, any great argument wouldn’t be complete without something to back it up. Therefore, let us paint you a picture.
The Discovery of the Wheel
There sits Grog, early Homo of the species lugging around some rocks. It’s grueling work, but it’s honest work. He stops for lunch by a fallen tree to have some goose egg soufflé with his mate, the lovely Bort. They have just finished their meal, when Grog gets a little smirk and does what any gentlemen of his age would do. He stands at the end of the log with his junk pressed up against the tree and gestures with an “eh!” to his mate. She rolls her eyes and he comments on how his friends would have laughed before backing away from the tree. While twisting away a cylindrical piece of the log snaps free and starts to roll. They watched in amusement as it rolls what had to have been at least 14 steps away. Then they continued about their day.
Later in the day, as Grog is hauling more stones to build his kick-ass smoker outside the cave, a smoker they definitely need by the way, he drops a big stone on his little toe. He reacts the way any person would, by running to the nearest tree and punching it. Upon hitting the tree, he has the a-ha moment. He could fashion that fallen rollie log into a wheel that he could affix a cart so he doesn’t drop another stone on his damn foot again. And thus the wheel became a thing and his mate definitely wasn’t the one that gave him the idea while he was head butting the tree, or at least thats what Grog scribbled on the cave wall.
The Search Engine
Now we fast forward at least two years to the year 1998 where there’s two dudes just chillin’ in a garage. Those dudes are Larry Page and Sergei Brin, although you’ve probably never heard of them before. They were just sitting there, shooting the shit, talking about Michael Jordan’s free-throw average during the playoffs against the Jazz. Larry said 97.1%, Sergei said 97.3% and it became a whole thing. They argued for a solid two and a half hours, involving lots of name calling. Then they both went home. Well, Sergei went home. Larry just walked inside because they were in his garage.
Each spent the remainder of the evening pissed off. They went to their prospective bathrooms with their reading material and just tried to relax but nothing was working for them. Still angry, each couldn’t shake the feeling that there had to be a better way.
Well the next day, they met up again because they were in California in the late 90’s and people had nothing better to do than drink in the garage or train with Mr. Miyagi. Larry turns to Sergei and says, “You know. After you left last night I went in and tried to ru…read some stuff and just couldn’t get into it.” Sergei responded that he had the same problem. Larry replied, “You know it’s some real bullshit that there is this whole internet loaded with websites stuffed to capacity with reading material but no way to find it easily.” Sergei took that statement and ran with it. They went on to found a little company named Google where they could look up reading material faster than anywhere else on the internet. As an afterthought, they looked up to see who was right about Jordan’s free-throw average. It was neither of them.
All right, I’ve been thinking. When life gives you lemons? Don’t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! ‘I don’t want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?
- Cave Johnson — founder Aperture Science, Visionary, Spirit Animal
This one was a bit of a mystery to us at first. It is an egg slicer. It is designed for slicing eggs. That’s it’s sole purpose. Insert hard boiled egg, pull down, remove somewhat crumbly mess.
Its origins are completely unknown. Some say it just appeared in a random kitchen one day but we have some theories.
Theory 1) There was a person that was severely traumatized by a slightly unevenly sliced egg at some point.
Theory 2) There was a person who REALLY FUCKING HATED slicing eggs.
Theory 3) There was a person that was really, really good at designing random kitchen accessories and was slightly annoyed by slicing eggs.
Chances are, the egg slicer’s origin will forever remain as much an oddity as the egg slicer itself.
The point we’re trying to make is that awhile ago, there were two dudes that had some traumatic experiences in their corporate jobs. And well… those experiences really pissed them off. Pissed them off so much in fact that they went on to create something magnificent and have to decided to share it with the world. They call their first masterpiece amongst many to come:
This marvel of modern ingenuity has it all. Cards, a box, swear words.
It is a true monument to card games and is without a doubt the best card game ever created on the concept of escaping corporate bullshit.